Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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