well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Did you just see the Batmobile???
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize