dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
