My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
