sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
