Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize