I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my shit smells like andre
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
