I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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