im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
