tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize