I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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