Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
