The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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