I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
