apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize