3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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