I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
