woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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