I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
