I accidentally had phone sex last night
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
