I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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