I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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