im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
