eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
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