You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
