If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
