shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
