If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
FUCK WHALES
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
