you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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