If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize