his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
