i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
