I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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