We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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