sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
