Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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