I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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