I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Actions speak louder than pants.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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