Pappa wants mamma naked
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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