the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize