in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
