onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
