Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
