she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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