I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
party gras won. party gras always wins.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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