I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
