sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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