fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
