why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
