if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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