Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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