im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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