I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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