I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
where are my eyebrows?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
