i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
