my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
