i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
