Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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