I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Randomize