My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
