drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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