I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
