Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
