i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
