I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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