Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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