The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
