I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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