you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
