I will die if light touches me.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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