Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
