Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
